The search for me

Change is the only constant in the world it is said.  Change is probably a measure of time.  How would you measure time if not for change.  The smallest unit of time measurable is only dependent on the fastest changes we can observe.  Everything changes, the world and the people in it.  I see this change, everyday and every time i look around, wondering; is it me or is it the world that is changing.  Sometimes i feel there is a certain pull, towards a certain change for me or for the world.  I cannot explain what is to change, but there is a certain energy flowing in a certain direction, a subtle force, like gravity.  We take gravity for granted and never really are conscious of it.  There also seems to be a choice of going with it or against it, just as you could use gravity to ground yourself or jump up to defy it.  (The defiance of course is short-lived :), superman notwithstanding ).

I think it is this illusion of choice that makes it difficult to go with the change.  I keep fighting it, trying to make sense of the changes happening around, trying to understand where the undercurrent is heading, trying to control my destiny.  The flow of changes it seems has a destination, which i cannot see and hence am unable to accept.  Fear, it seems is the driving force that provides the resistance to the flow of changes.

Sometimes I wonder, who I am or what I am or where I am in life just to get my head cleared about what to do next.  Everything seems to be going in a nebulous galactic spiral; it is too difficult to see where it is all heading.  There are things i feel i need to do, but somehow it eludes me as to when the right time or what the right way to do it is.  There seems to be an eternal search for clarity, for an identity…  something that distinguishes me or what i do from all the other people who have inspired me and who i try to copy.

In understanding that i am the sum total of all my experiences and that my experiences are from my interactions with other people, it would mean that there is a part of everyone of those people in me in some way.  Maybe the total is the distinguishing factor, not any particular trait that i possess.

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